The Maddest Ex In The World

Brad
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. Firstly let me say that I'm truly sorry and i hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the entire world you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong you in any way. There is no excuse for anything that happened, so I won't even try, other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutley deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is wierd, the World looked funny yesterday. I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me and I'm hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on so many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know that there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth   

Dear Elizabeth

Thanks for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No... doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'. Mixing a red sock in with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'. Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well I didn't fcuk him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the World looked funny to you yesterday. Since the world revolves around blow-dryers, golden retrievers, prada bags and jelly beans, I'm sure it must have been unsettling to actually have to consider someone elses feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think that you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claimed you spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this e-mail to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad